The Magic Of Dance

Different people are born to do different things, some people are born to sing, some are born to change the world. But I was born to dance. Yeah right. If only. I am a pretty good dancer if I may say so, but it has taken me multiple years of hard work to get to this stage.

In fact I am an Indian classical dancer. Trained in Bharatnatyam since the age of 7. Mohiniyattam and Kuchipudi as well. Dabbled in a pinch of Kathak along the way. But over the years, I have developed and built my forte: true blue Bollywood. Call me a show-off, but nobody can do the jhatkas and rock a desi song like I can. I am too full of myself no? But if you follow my blog, you already know that.

But that’s not what this blog is about. This is about the magic of dance. The excitement, the thrill, the insanity of dance. There is no feeling like it. It’s flying, it’s finding that place within you where nothing else matters, it’s when there is no pretence, nothing fake. Nothing’s more real, raw and passionate. It’s that uninhibited joy of letting go, of being free, of being alive!

For me, it’s a release. I dance when I am angry, I dance when I am upset, I dance when I happy and I dance when I am bored. I dance to vent, I dance to celebrate and I dance to drive away the loneliness. My dancing keeps me energized, it keeps me sane and insane at the same time.

 It is knowing I belong, it’s knowing that I am in a higher state of being, beyond just existing; it’s knowing I am free. Free of bondage, free of emotion, free of ties, free like the air around me, free like a bird flying to touch the sky. It’s like sliding down a rainbow. Like walking on water. Or jumping on the white fluffy clouds. It’s probably like having marijuana and cocaine together.

I remember performing onstage. It’s been more than a year since I last got onstage. But the high you get onstage is unbelievable. Something that really needs to be felt. The rush of adrenaline makes you move till you are so tired that you need to be carried off stage (yeah, it’s happened to me. Every single time).

People who’ve seen me on the dance floor will tell you I am a mad mad dancer. And people who’ve seen me on stage will tell you I have interesting technique. But at the end of it all, I am truly the happiest when I am dancing, be it alone in my room, in a crowded club or on the stage in front of a massive crowd. Because that is one time where there is nothing else, no one else, everything else and everyone else ceases to matter. It is just me. Alone, wild and free.

“Dancing is like dreaming with your feet” - Constanze

Passing the Past..

I wrote this sometime last week actually, after someone really ticked me off. And it’s more like a rant. And yeah, I am too full of myself in this one!

So, somebody told me today that i like to live in the past and i am not too sure how i feel about it. Do i really come off that way? I never would have thought that of all the vibes that i give off, stuck in the past is not quite there on the list.

I'd like to think i live for today, for now. The past is behind me and well, the future. I don’t know what in the world will happen tomorrow so I try not to spend much time on it..

 Okay so let’s see. I do hoard stuff; I have a ton of souvenirs from a time long gone. I really enjoy collecting photographs,  letters, trinkets from the good times and the worst times. I am incapable of throwing things out, no matter what kind of memory it brings...

But you know what? I really truly believe that it’s really important to accept your past. The good the bad the ugly, the fun and crazy, all of it. Cuz it is all that and more that shapes who you are today.

Me. I am passionate bordering on crazy. I am fun and exciting. I am hurt and depressed. I am ecstatic. I have been high up and I have hit rock bottom. I have laughed like a little child, and I’ve cried like one too. I have been there and done it all. Well ofcourse not all of it but quite a lot more than most people my age.

Every person we meet, every experience we have, every place we visit, all leave a mark on a person. And it’s all stored in some part of our minds.. I don’t know if there are many people comfortable with all the shit they’ve faced or done. I, for one have post-mortemed most events. But do i still live in that space? I doubt it. I am incredibly comfortable talking about my past. Sometimes scarily so. And maybe i revel in it a bit. But that doesn’t mean I’m there all the time.
 
Like I said before, you can’t get me now, if you’re not willing to see past (pardon the pun) everything in my life. That isn’t where I end, it’s only the beginning. There is more. 

I laugh a lot, sometimes like a little baby. I get excited and happy in a snap. I get thrown into the throes of depression. I am a drama queen. I am comfortable in my skin, doing my thing. There are things i enjoy doing and can go nonstop at. And there are other things i wouldn’t try for all the gold in Agrabah.

I think i am done talking now. So yeah. This is who i am. With all the baggage, hopes, dreams and the insanity Take it or leave it. I’ll survive either ways.

Living In Limbo

Everybody knows what being in limbo means, it’s the state of being here nor there, dead nor alive. In some beliefs, it’s the phase between death and afterlife, hanging in between. And I honestly feel like I am in limbo now, thanks to my long distance marriage.

Long distance marriage, yeah I know how that sounds. And growing up, I have seen lots of people who were working abroad and had their families away from them and I vowed that I would never stay away from the husband, when I finally decide to say my ‘I Do.’ So much for that.

Life, well, it isn’t always what we want it to be. And I am a lot luckier than most people in long distance relationships because I am in a position to financially be able to visit my man often, but never often enough.

It’s been six months since our Nikah, since we got our legal and social right to live with each other and a month since Sujid and I got officially married, but we are still very much like most couples in their dating phase. I live with my parents and he lives with his friends.

Well, the only positive about a long distance marriage is the fact that it is a never ending honeymoon period. Everytime we meet, usually for 5days -2weeks every two months, it’s a replay of the honeymoon. Excitement and love in the air, and just fun blissful days, which ofcourse pass too soon for my liking. I also do like living with my folks. It's like I never even left at all.

But sometimes I wonder if the whole thing is one big joke. We can’t be there for each other, well obviously not how we should be there for each other. When I am ill, or he is upset, or we are just in need of a hug, we can’t really turn to each other and it’s nobody’s fault.

I don’t wake up next to him, nor do I get to make him his morning coffee. We don’t even have meals at the same time, thanks to the different time zones. I don’t get to cuddle up with him and watch our favourite TV shows nor do I get to see his face light up or dull out depending on how his day has been.

When he is up and getting ready to work, its 4.30 am here, and when I am getting ready for work, he is already knee deep in it. When I give him a call, he’s at lunch and by the time he returns my call, I am at lunch. When I am slightly free, he is busy packing up and leaving and by the time I finally get around to calling him, he’s busy with dinner and his TV time, and after that obviously sleep because he has to be up and early the next day.

He does call me up in the wee hours of the morning to hear my sleepy voice, to keep the semblance of some life together but it still isn’t good enough. We do talk a lot and text and email and all that but it just isn’t enough.

I want to be his wife. There for him, no matter what time of the day or night it is. I want to be there to ask him how his day went, when he comes home from office, or have him ask me how my day was. I want laugh and chat and have dinner together. I want to cook for him, not always, but most of the time for sure. I want him to taste my little cooking experiments and the review on his face, when it actually has turned out better than we expected. I want him to surprise me with flowers like that one time and I want him to spoil me rotten like I know he does. Well, it can’t happen for a while atleast and you know what, it bloody sucks.

My colleague at work too has the same problem, with his wife and little boy in India but I guess the fact that only one of them works helps, cuz she is free no matter when he chooses to call her.

Unfortunately for me, both our careers are equally important and it will take another three months for us to be sure of where we want to be geographically, and add to that the situations out of our control, like the economy, the stability of the country and all, which directly affect the job market. At the end of it all, I hope things work out, cuz we definitely are paying the price for having a dream. Our prayer is that ultimately it is all worth the pain we are going through now; and that after these three months, we will never have to live apart ever.

So far we've made sure that we didn't miss any of the important occasions like birthday and New Years. but we are going to miss Valentine's Day for sure :( I just want these three months to fly by, so that we can start our life together, all nice and proper and be our family, with our own little apartment and our own responsibilities and everything. I am sick of our life be stolen moments here and there and am counting down till our marriage actually starts.

But till then, this is our only choice. I miss my man. I miss him like crazy. And I feel like I am living in limbo :’(.