Sunday, 29 January 2012

Living In Limbo

Everybody knows what being in limbo means, it’s the state of being here nor there, dead nor alive. In some beliefs, it’s the phase between death and afterlife, hanging in between. And I honestly feel like I am in limbo now, thanks to my long distance marriage.

Long distance marriage, yeah I know how that sounds. And growing up, I have seen lots of people who were working abroad and had their families away from them and I vowed that I would never stay away from the husband, when I finally decide to say my ‘I Do.’ So much for that.

Life, well, it isn’t always what we want it to be. And I am a lot luckier than most people in long distance relationships because I am in a position to financially be able to visit my man often, but never often enough.

It’s been six months since our Nikah, since we got our legal and social right to live with each other and a month since Sujid and I got officially married, but we are still very much like most couples in their dating phase. I live with my parents and he lives with his friends.

Well, the only positive about a long distance marriage is the fact that it is a never ending honeymoon period. Everytime we meet, usually for 5days -2weeks every two months, it’s a replay of the honeymoon. Excitement and love in the air, and just fun blissful days, which ofcourse pass too soon for my liking. I also do like living with my folks. It's like I never even left at all.

But sometimes I wonder if the whole thing is one big joke. We can’t be there for each other, well obviously not how we should be there for each other. When I am ill, or he is upset, or we are just in need of a hug, we can’t really turn to each other and it’s nobody’s fault.

I don’t wake up next to him, nor do I get to make him his morning coffee. We don’t even have meals at the same time, thanks to the different time zones. I don’t get to cuddle up with him and watch our favourite TV shows nor do I get to see his face light up or dull out depending on how his day has been.

When he is up and getting ready to work, its 4.30 am here, and when I am getting ready for work, he is already knee deep in it. When I give him a call, he’s at lunch and by the time he returns my call, I am at lunch. When I am slightly free, he is busy packing up and leaving and by the time I finally get around to calling him, he’s busy with dinner and his TV time, and after that obviously sleep because he has to be up and early the next day.

He does call me up in the wee hours of the morning to hear my sleepy voice, to keep the semblance of some life together but it still isn’t good enough. We do talk a lot and text and email and all that but it just isn’t enough.

I want to be his wife. There for him, no matter what time of the day or night it is. I want to be there to ask him how his day went, when he comes home from office, or have him ask me how my day was. I want laugh and chat and have dinner together. I want to cook for him, not always, but most of the time for sure. I want him to taste my little cooking experiments and the review on his face, when it actually has turned out better than we expected. I want him to surprise me with flowers like that one time and I want him to spoil me rotten like I know he does. Well, it can’t happen for a while atleast and you know what, it bloody sucks.

My colleague at work too has the same problem, with his wife and little boy in India but I guess the fact that only one of them works helps, cuz she is free no matter when he chooses to call her.

Unfortunately for me, both our careers are equally important and it will take another three months for us to be sure of where we want to be geographically, and add to that the situations out of our control, like the economy, the stability of the country and all, which directly affect the job market. At the end of it all, I hope things work out, cuz we definitely are paying the price for having a dream. Our prayer is that ultimately it is all worth the pain we are going through now; and that after these three months, we will never have to live apart ever.

So far we've made sure that we didn't miss any of the important occasions like birthday and New Years. but we are going to miss Valentine's Day for sure :( I just want these three months to fly by, so that we can start our life together, all nice and proper and be our family, with our own little apartment and our own responsibilities and everything. I am sick of our life be stolen moments here and there and am counting down till our marriage actually starts.

But till then, this is our only choice. I miss my man. I miss him like crazy. And I feel like I am living in limbo :’(.